About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
My other grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.
When I was last in America, I really got into the culture. I went into a shop and the guy said ‘Have a nice day’ and I didn’t. So I sued him. (with thanks for this and two previous posts to Milton Jones - a comic genius if ever there was one, or not).
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon. - Sara Pascoe
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” - Joe Bor
“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, ‘This could be interesting.’” – Paddy Lennox
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
A chicken and an egg were lying in bed after sex. The chicken is smoking a cigarette (*) and says “Well, I suppose that answers the old question”.
(* yes, it is an old joke)
Here’s another oldie but goodie (Ok I lied):
Bacon and eggs walks into a bar
Bartender looks up and growls: “Hey you two git’ outta here, we don’t serve breakfast”
Skeleton walks into a bar and says: “Gimme a beer, and a mop!”
Mushroom walks into a bar
Bartender growls: “Hey you git’ outta here we don’t serve your type”
Mushroom responds: “Why not? I’m a fun-guy”!! (fungi)
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender growls: “Hey you git’ outta here”
Rope walks outside - unravels his end - he then walks back into the bar.
Bartender says: “Hey aren’t you that rope I just told to git outta here?”
Rope looks back and forth around the room and replies: “NO! I’m a frayed knot”
Man sits down at a bar next to an attractive woman with a small dog on the floor next to her.
Man leans over to the woman and asks: “Excuse me miss, does your dog bite”
The woman responds: “No she doesn’t”
The man leans down and pet’s the dog, the dog snaps back and bites the man.
Confused the man says to the woman: “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite”
Woman looks at the man, looks at the dog and says: “I did, however that’s not my dog”
What’s the difference between a stage coach driver and a bartender?
Stage coach driver only has to look at 6 horses asses a day.
Poor ole’ John Smith died. His two best friends, Bill & Fred, stood by his casket reminiscing about the good times they had over the years hanging out drinking etc. Bill looked at Fred and said: “Hey Fred, did you ever actually see John’s two a$$holes?” Stunned by the question Fred responds: “No!! What the hell are you talking about?”
Bill says: " Yeah John had two a$$holes"
Fred: “Bill I have no idea what you are talking about, this can’t be true”
Bill: " Oh yeah? Then why whenever we went somewhere people always said: Hey look it’s John with the two a$$holes!?!?!?!"
Frog walks into a bank and asks to see the loan officer, they bring him to the office of Ms. Wack. He fills out the paper work and sadly Ms. Wack informs him he has insufficient collateral for the loan. Frog says, do me a favor give me a few mins I’ll be right back, the frog returns and places an item on Ms. Wack’s desk and she inquires as to what it is. The frog replies it’s my collateral, confused Ms. Wack get’s one of her supervisors.
The supervisor walks in and says: “What’s the problem here Ms. Wack” She said the frog applied for a loan, but lacks collateral, however he brought this in to secure the loan. The supervisor looks over the paperwork and the item on the desk and says:
“It’s a knick-knack Patty Wack - give the frog a loan”
{{Mic drop}}
Just realized I responded to you Harters, it wasn’t truly directed at you, sorry.
Mon ami - you are truly imagining an issue where there isnt one. Your last joke is a real oldie.
I think you may like this one:
A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman “what’s with the meat?”
The barman says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
Here’s one bar joke that teaches the use of commas:
A Panda bear walks into a bar/restaurant. He orders a meal and eats it. After politely paying for his meal, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. He immediately walks out the door. “Why did you do that?” hollered the confused waitress. Looking back over his shoulder the panda says “I’m a panda”. “Look it up in the dictionary.” The waitress locates the dictionary on her boss’s desk and searches for the definition of panda bear. Finding it she reads, “Panda Bear - A large black and white bear-like mammal native to the mountainous Far East. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Bob and Ed are walking their dogs in the town center one afternoon when they remember that the football game is on. Bob suggests they go to the sports bar for a beer and watch it. Ed says that’d be great, except they have the dogs with them. Bob says, "No problem, watch me. " Tapping his walking stick in front of him, he enters the tavern with his German Shepherd. A few minutes pass. Realizing that Bob 's subterfuge worked, Ed puts on his dark sunglasses and follows, his eager dog leading the way. As soon as the bartender sees Ed, she says, “Sorry, Sir, the only pets allowed here are guide dogs. You and your Chihuahua will have to leave.” Quick thinking Ed blurts out, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Termite walks into a bar and asks where’s the bar tender
Joke included in the book of the same name by Lynne Truss. Subtitled “The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation”.
Personally, I’m a big fan of the semi colon - although you will struggle to find jokes, good or bad, about it. But here’s one:
What’s the difference between a semi colon and a cat?
One has a pause at the end of it’s clause, the other has claws at the end of it’s paws.
Good on you for Lynn Truss, a long lost acquaintance.
Different style manuals constrain our writing, while not limiting our favoring semicolons when they are the better way to get to the next point.
Our growing dismay is in witnessing following generations lose even working fluency with grammar, let alone writing with convincing style, let alone style for the stylish.
Its, not it’s. 
A blind guy walks into a bar.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Congratulations. You win first prize for spotting the deliberate mistake. 
I know this isn’t supposed to be a serious thread but stay with me for a moment. I frequent a particular Tripadvisor forum, related to a place very popular with fellow Britons. It never fails to concern me just how many people cannot spell, let alone punctuate, our own language correctly. Some posts are barely intelligible.
We must be sending thousands of kids out into the world each year, so poorly equipped to manage in the modern information-led times. It should be a national scandal. Really. And what’s even worse is that no-one really seems to bother about it.
Guy walks into Dunkin Donut’s and says: “Give me a large iced french vanilla coffee and NOBODY get’s HURT”…
Oh wait, that’s not a joke it was my morning commute. Stay safe friends!!! (can’t wait till I go to the bank later!)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
I would have also accepted “Im-moo-vable”
I went to do laundry this morning and discovered that my building is full of bandits. Also not a joke. I hope no stagecoaches come through the lobby - they’ll get robbed for sure.
Given the amount of singing, dancing and other formats of “entertainment” I see people posting on social media, I’m not sure if this is a pandemic or the pilot episode of “Quarantine Has Talent”.
