What’s the best food to eat before a workout?
Mussels.
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Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
Why did the chef serve Christmas brunch on hubcaps? Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.
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Why wouldn’t the lobster and crab share their meal with the grouper? They’re two shellfish.
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From the late Orson Bean, a clean dirty joke:
A man acquires a young parrot, and after a few years, it starts to become aggressive, nipping and screeching incessantly. He takes it to an avian veterinarian, who explains that the bird has reached puberty and his hormones are making him antsy. “What do I do now?”, asks the owner. The vet says the hospital mascot is a female parrot, and that the charge for leaving the male with her for a day would be $50. Taken aback the owner dithers, but when the parrot bites his thumb, he agrees. The frustrated bird is placed into the mascot’s cage, and a towel arranged over it, to settle them. As the owner is settling his bill, a horrendous ruckus emanates from the cage. The vet whisks the towel away, revealing the mascot on the floor of the cage, pinned down by the male’s talons as he rips beakfuls of feathers from her breast, shrieking, “For $50, I want you naked!”
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Aah! Let’s not make jokes about sexual violence, 'k?
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Stephen Wright called he would like his material back!
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It’s a small world …
But I wouldn’t want to paint it.
I threw a boomerang years ago and now I live in constant fear.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
And @NotJrvedivici some of them are from Jimmy Carr.
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We are 10 days into self-isolation and it’s upsetting to witness my wife standing at the window gazing aimlessly into space, tears running down her cheeks.
It breaks my heart to see her like this.
I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.
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The key to good barbecuing is having a sauce that can cover up your mistakes.
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My grilled fish is so bad that my cat only has three lives left.
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Q: What do you do if someone says an onion is the only food that can make them cry?
A: Throw a watermelon at their face.
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Can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
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I walked up to a store that said open 24 hours and I see the guy closing up. I said I thought you were open 24 hrs and he said, yeah, but not in a row.
You can tell I’m not a great joke teller.
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Reminds me of the line from British comedian, the late Eric Morecambe, talking about his musical ability:
“I’m playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.”
"
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Made me chuckle out loud!
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I cut my finger cooking last night.
On the other hand, I’m OK.
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My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her 'I can’t believe she’s not better"
My wife - it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore."
I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
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