Not sure about how clean we want to make these so I’ll start with my favorite clean joke:
I was driving across America last summer and taking my time. On a rural road parallel to route 66 I was only doing 50 mph when I saw a chicken. It wasn’t just any chicken either, this sucker was fast! He was running down the road alongside my car and keeping up.
I hadn’t realized my mouth was hanging open so I closed it as I took a good look at the speedster chicken. He had two wings and three legs! Well, three legs or not, I wasn’t going to lose a race to a chicken so I floored it.
Sure enough the chicken not only kept up with my car, but passed me and cut me off to make a right turn. Stupid chicken, I thought as I spun the car through the same turn the chicken had taken. I didn’t find the chicken but a farmer was working in front of his barn.
“Hello,” I said, parking my car.
“Hello,” said the farmer. “Can I help you?”
“Yes, sorry,” I began, and told him the whole story. I ended with an impolite, but heartfelt, “What the hell?”
The farmer laughed, but not in an unkind way. “Not only are those chickens fast, they are rumored to be the tastiest chicken you will ever eat.”
I love food and the thought of better tasting chicken brought buckets of two wings and three drumsticks to mind. “What do they taste like?” I drooled.
“Dunno. Ain’t never caught one.”
Q. How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don’t like fast food.
A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An Impasta!
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it downhill.
(My brother and I have been txting these for years.)
I wrote this bad pun waaaay back when I was selling jokes to comedians for $50…
A photographer goes to see Prince in concert. After two hours of live music, Prince and his band leave the stage. The audience roars, but the band doesn’t come back. The audience all pull out and light their bic lighters but the band doesn’t come back. The audience chants “Prince” but the band doesn’t come back out.
The photographer tells his date, “I got this.” He rolls around on the ground and then Prince comes back out and does two full sets as an encore.
His date kisses him after the show. “That was amazing!” she gushed. “How’d you get Prince to come back?”
The man laughed, “Every photographer knows that with each roll you get two sets of prints.”
In real life, there’s the Chicago restaurant empire Lettuce Entertain You.
My wife’s cooking is so bad that the flies fixed the screens.
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
Recently widowed Mildred is visiting her friend Agnes at the the shore. As they gaze at the waves, Mildred sheepishly says “Agnes, I miss my husband so much. You’ve been a widow for some time, now. Tell me, do you ever get ‘the urge’ and what do you do about it?”
Agnes replies “Well, yes Mildred, I do get ‘the urge’ sometimes. But then I just suck on a Lifesaver, and it passes.”
Mildred glances down, disappointed. “That’s fine for you, but not everybody can have a house on the beach.”
Q: How do you cook a duck so it turns out like a soul singer?
A: Heat it in a microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Q:Why did the snail buy a Ferrari with a giant S painted on the side?
A: Because for once in its life it wanted to be fast and for people to say “look at that S car go!”
A chef is at his restaurant one morning and hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door to see his friend holding a cuttlefish that is sneezing and mopping it’s brow.
The chef says " I can’t cook this"
“It’s not for cooking” replies the friend. “I just thought I should bring you the sick squid I owe you”
I love this thread. Much needed!!! Thanks!!
potentially dirty joke ahead, if you are easily offended please move on
Q.) What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A.) She gagged!
To keep with the theme:
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball.
What did the hamburger call his daughter?
What do you call a fish with knees?
What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
What did the egg Benedict do for Christmas?
When home for the hollandaise.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they are shellfish.
Why is it so easy to weight fish?
They have scales.
I’m bored, so I decided to hold a wet t-shirt contest.
Looking at them hanging on the line, I’ve decided I like my blue one the best.
Yesterday my wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my pillow fort.
What do you call blueberries playing the guitar?
A jam session.