Not sure about how clean we want to make these so I’ll start with my favorite clean joke:
I was driving across America last summer and taking my time. On a rural road parallel to route 66 I was only doing 50 mph when I saw a chicken. It wasn’t just any chicken either, this sucker was fast! He was running down the road alongside my car and keeping up.
I hadn’t realized my mouth was hanging open so I closed it as I took a good look at the speedster chicken. He had two wings and three legs! Well, three legs or not, I wasn’t going to lose a race to a chicken so I floored it.
Sure enough the chicken not only kept up with my car, but passed me and cut me off to make a right turn. Stupid chicken, I thought as I spun the car through the same turn the chicken had taken. I didn’t find the chicken but a farmer was working in front of his barn.
“Hello,” I said, parking my car.
“Hello,” said the farmer. “Can I help you?”
“Yes, sorry,” I began, and told him the whole story. I ended with an impolite, but heartfelt, “What the hell?”
The farmer laughed, but not in an unkind way. “Not only are those chickens fast, they are rumored to be the tastiest chicken you will ever eat.”
I love food and the thought of better tasting chicken brought buckets of two wings and three drumsticks to mind. “What do they taste like?” I drooled.
I wrote this bad pun waaaay back when I was selling jokes to comedians for $50…
A photographer goes to see Prince in concert. After two hours of live music, Prince and his band leave the stage. The audience roars, but the band doesn’t come back. The audience all pull out and light their bic lighters but the band doesn’t come back. The audience chants “Prince” but the band doesn’t come back out.
The photographer tells his date, “I got this.” He rolls around on the ground and then Prince comes back out and does two full sets as an encore.
His date kisses him after the show. “That was amazing!” she gushed. “How’d you get Prince to come back?”
The man laughed, “Every photographer knows that with each roll you get two sets of prints.”
Recently widowed Mildred is visiting her friend Agnes at the the shore. As they gaze at the waves, Mildred sheepishly says “Agnes, I miss my husband so much. You’ve been a widow for some time, now. Tell me, do you ever get ‘the urge’ and what do you do about it?”
Agnes replies “Well, yes Mildred, I do get ‘the urge’ sometimes. But then I just suck on a Lifesaver, and it passes.”
Mildred glances down, disappointed. “That’s fine for you, but not everybody can have a house on the beach.”
Q:Why did the snail buy a Ferrari with a giant S painted on the side?
A: Because for once in its life it wanted to be fast and for people to say “look at that S car go!”
A chef is at his restaurant one morning and hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door to see his friend holding a cuttlefish that is sneezing and mopping it’s brow.
The chef says " I can’t cook this"
“It’s not for cooking” replies the friend. “I just thought I should bring you the sick squid I owe you”
