I tried one too many times to actually unblur the content.
Holla.
So remember Bill Beaumont? Australia? Shangri La? He got into a group called the League of Dangerous Sports back in the early 80’s and, hoo boy, this one time… wait. No. Wrong story. Got distracted. Sorry.
This is about Bill’s sister, Stace. It was short for Eustace (don’t ask. It was a whole thing between Stace and her mom for years.) but she legally had it changed when she turned 18. And it was absolutely NOT “Stacy”. But she turned out ok. Was an elementary school teacher in the mid 80’s in Southern California, some town south of Long Beach.
This year, must have been ‘83, ‘84, maybe, she was teaching 3rd grade, so the kids were 7, maybe 8 years old. Old enough to know how to really misbehave and young enough to still not be in control of themselves, y’know? Anyway, it was field trip day, and they took the kids to the local zoo. You went on these as a kid, right? Pile into the school bus, big groups, buddy system, you get to visit the nursery where they have the baby farm animals and pet baby chicks. This being the west coast (and back in the day before better regulations) zoos would have dolphins. Usually in too small a tank, but it had them. And it was a relatively new addition, having opened two summers ago. So the kids were HYPED for the dolphins.
Well, the zoo tour proceeds, and Stace notices they’ve walked by the dolphin exhibit and made no move toward it. A few of the kids see the sign and start clamping do it. Stace quiets them down “We’ll get there! Be patient!” But she pulls their guide aside and asks about it.
“Oh… “ says the guide. “We can’t see the dolphins today.”
“What?! Why not?” asks Stace.
“Well, uh… dolphins are very, uh… let’s call it ‘sexually aggressive.’ And ours have been, ah, displaying their readiness for mating. A lot. We shouldn’t disturb them during this period, and you probably don’t want the kids to see, y’know… dolphin anatomy. It’s quite, er… prominent.”
Stace grimaces. She rounds the kids up for lunch. Everyone’s eating their sandwiches and Fritos when one of the kids asks if NOW they’re gonna see the dolphins? Another kid hears, and starts chanting “DOL-phins! DOL-phins! We want DOL-phins!” She looks at the zookeeper. “Isn’t there something you can do?”
The zookeeper thinks. “Actually, there might be. Our mynah bird exhibit used to be next to the dolphins. But mynahs are amazing mimics, and they began ‘talking’ to the dolphins and irritating them. In fact, it stopped them from mating last season. We had to move them to the other side of the lion enclosure last fall. It was right when we put that glass bridge over the lions so people could see them better. Maybe if we brought them over, the dolphins would stop being so, excited for a bit, the kids could see them, and then we’ll take them back!”
“Oh, you’re a star! says Stace. The zookeeper radios over to somone about the plan, and turns to Stace. “I’ll keep the tour going with the kids and the other two teachers. You go around the lion enclosure and meet up with Dave, he’ll have the birds, and meet us at the dolphins.”
So off Stace goes, all the way around the lions, who are lazily lion around (get it? Lion? Lyin’?) and sees another zookeeper carrying a two big bird cages with covers over them. “Let’s go!” says Dave. “But hey, no need to walk all the way around. We’ll just take the pedestrian bridge over the exhibit.” He hands Stace one of the cages and the begin walking up and over the bridge. Stace looks down, seeing the sleepy lions, and sees, at the end of the bridge, the whole class gathered, waiting. She can even hear the kids chanting “DOL-phins! DOL-phins!” She steps off the bridge and set the birdcage down when she’s suddenly grabbed up by two zoo security guards, along with a city policeman. “You’ll have to come with us, ma’am.” She sees they’re also pulling aside the other zookeeper.
“What? Why? What could you possibly charge me with?!” cries Stace.
The cop looks at her. “Transporting mynahs over staid lions for immoral porpoises.”
I know a very similar version of this, but it ends with “Transporting gulls across stayed lions for immortal porpoises.”
I don’t usually read such long posts, but I thought this would be worth it 
Next time you’ll know better! 
I know one with transporting minors over sedate lions for immoral porpoises, but I don’t remember the first part.
I’m oddly enjoying the series.
Alright, I’ll play this stupid long joke game. But mine’s not gonna be as long, 'cause I’m an editor.
A gentleman visits a brothel and enjoys the company of one of the women employed there. When she requests payment, he confesses to having no money. Enraged, she says “You are NOTHING. You don’t exist!” The man, stricken, responds “I think! Therefore I am.” Suddenly, a police officer arrives and arrests the man. “What’d I do?” he asks. The officer responds: “You put Descartes before the whores.”
I think I prefer the build up of the longer format 
Feel free to expand it.
How do I get this hook out of my mouth? It’s pretty deeply embedded.
Unfortunately I’m not much of a creative writer. Or comedian for that matter.
That’s the beauty (and FUN!) of a Shaggy Dog Story. A good storyteller can drag it out a long time. A VERY LONG time.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder 
That works a lot better spoken than written. Because you can just skip ahead to the end (as I do). I am here for the people who would rather the joke get to the point so they can move on.
Very true. The art form doesn’t work well across all media. Sort of like having a face made for radio.
