Queen Elizabeth II revokes independence of the United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You will learn that the suffix “burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

  2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.

  3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

  4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.

  5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

  6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

  7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.

  8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

  10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

  11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

  12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

  13. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

  14. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

  15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

  16. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).

  17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.

  18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

  19. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

  20. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

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Liz Windsor has finally lost it. Bless her. She must have forgotten that most Britons celebrate 4 July as Thanksgiving.

And, of course, we particularly enjoy America’s idiosyncracies. Like how you pronounce “aluminium” - how we laugh.

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This was delivered to my Brit friend in California Friday. The Santa Rosa florist team were great sports and jumped on the bandwagon enthusiastically. :joy:

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In these circumstances, I reckon the UK has little wriggle room and that it would not be long before the Danes were demanding their country back. Well, at least the part of England that they used to govern.

By the by, I recently read that the answer to the question “what’s a Canadian?” is an unarmed American with health care.

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Don’t worry. You can still vacation in the Falklands….maybe. :grimacing::grimacing:

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Would GB want us back?

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I don’t know why they would.

And I certainly wish them well in wresting the guns from Americans.

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That made me chuckle. I guess I’m a Canadian disguised as an American :thinking:

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In all seriousness, I’d very much doubt it.

Whilst the success of the terrorist uprising in the 1770/80s was a blow to national pride, it was one that was soon put behind us. It was a mistake that we didnt make again, as the dominion status given to Australia, Canada and New Zealand demonstrated. And, once free of the drain of America, Britain was able to turn its attention to developing its Empire. I think that, whilst there continue to be strong links between the UK and the US, the two countries have now diverged so significantly in social and cultural terms that welcoming you back would be impossible. I have said before that, of all the countries I’ve visited on holiday, America is the most “foreign”, even allowing for the language being pretty much the same.

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Indeed so. Falklands is on the UK “green” list for travel. Along with a couple of other tourist hotspots. Like Pitcairn Island (home to the descendents of the Mutiny on the Bounty crew) and St Helena (where we imprisoned Napolean after his defeat in 1815)

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Sure. After all, what was Brexit but a delusional bid for a return to empire and a belief that trade could be set up in a way that wasn’t going to have the ‘51st state’ at a complete disadvantage.

The U.K. a raging bin fire.

Meanwhile, I have things to say about Canada and its amazing PR. But I won’t. I’ve said enough.

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On a scale of 1 to 10 - I give today a 1,776.

I never win an insult contest with my Brit friend. He’s just too good. It’s all in good fun.

Time to move to the deck and enjoy some libations.

Cheers all.

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Canadians and Japanese, at least play baseball.

Brits use guns for much more than grouse. There is fox and deer.

I’m okay with 'u’s. Her Majesty left out “harbour.”

We’re going to have to negotiate on barbecue. Not sure there is room for compromise there. Similarly I respectfully suggest that no place where food is sold be allowed to call itself a pub unless a ploughman’s lunch is offered.

Americans will have to learn to insult people without expletives.

Now about napkins, nappies, and serviettes…

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If they join the UK? The opposite: Americans will have to lose their preciousness about swearing.

Absolutely. And, when Scotland gains its independence (likely, I believe, in my lifetime), I’ll start campaigning for northwest England to cede from the Union and join Scotland (if they’d have us).

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Maybe. Don’t they have to be independent for ten years to join the EU? Will there be an EU in ten years? You’re obviously closer than I am. I think there will be a lot of whining and protesting (UK protests, not American protests with arson and looting) but ultimately no separation. Northern Ireland is a more likely candidate but I think the deep seated religious divisions will prevent that as well.

Although Mel Gibson is not much of a horseman, there is this

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Dunno. And I’m hoping I’ll still be around in a decade.

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I hope so also.

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:joy: :joy:

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“Food is a pretty good prism through which to view humanity.”

― Jonathan Gold