We’ll be driving cross country to visit my best friend and her husband. We’re staying at a hotel, not at their home, and we’ll be there for 3 nights and 4 days. They’re making dinner reservations for three nights and Sunday brunch at a very nice hotel, and we’d like to pay for at least some of the meals. Should we offer to pay for most of the meals, if not all? What would be the polite thing to do without insulting them? We’re all at the same economic level, and the money isn’t really the issue. I just want to thank them for all of the travel advice. We’ve all know each other for 30+ years, but we used to live in the same area, so this kind of thing didn’t come up. Thanks for your thoughts.
Talk to them about it. It’s your best friend. She’ll appreciate the gesture. I don’t even know that this needs to be discussed in advance.
Y’all go out together, and you say “hey it would be so nice to treat you tonight if you don’t mind.” And then you do it again if you feel like it.
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I have been in the situation where I’ve offered and ended up picking up the tab for friends and relatives when I’ve visited them in their city for one or 2 meals.
I also almost always pick up the tab when relatives and friends visit me.
And, they usually accept.
At this point in my life, I’d offer to pay for the 2 meals that are likely to be the 2 most expensive.
Or, I’d see if they want to go Dutch at all the meals.
Since she’s your best friend, it might even be good to ask in advance, “could we please treat you and your husband to some of the meals, and if so, which ones?”
They might want to treat you since you travelled all that way to see them.
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Not in my view. The friends are effectively your hosts and should be treated as such. As she is your best friend, talking to her as others have suggested would be a good way forward, so you can get an indication of their intent over payments. Assuming it pans out, then maybe graciously accept their offer to pay for the first night. You pay for the second night and maybe divide the third and brunch.
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Your friends might be expecting to “host” you for making the trip, especially as you are staying at a hotel and traveling so far to see them.
Have either of you visited each other before? How did meals go then?
In any case, as you are close, a conversation around what restaurants have been selected can include you dropping that you’d like to take care of the meals as a thank you for all the planning effort — you’ll get a pretty quick reaction to that, yea or nay.
What a nice situation either way, with both of you looking forward to time spent together!
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So much of this situation just depends.
- How or what type of relationship you have with them
- How were prior situations (if there were ones) handled
- What price range are these restaurants at where the reservations were made
All of that said, knowing nothing about your friendship with your hosts, the restaurants involved, etc., this is how I would handle the situation.
- Pay for the first meal. Don’t just offer to pay for it, just give the restaurant host (or waiter) your credit card surreptitiously so that the bill is taken care of.
- Then see what your friends-hosts say or do afterwards. Depending on what they say or do, perhaps consider the following: let them pay for one meal and then go dutch the remaining 2.
But as with all things like this, there is no one right answer as things like cultural norms, dynamics of the friendship, history, etc. are all variables that have to be accounted for, but are nearly impossible to detail completely over the Interwebs.
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We do have quite a bit of information to go on, e.g.
“Surreptitiously slipping someone a CC” is not something I would consider ever doing in this situation.
Me neither. Not least , because amongst close friends, it could very easily cause offence.
I can only recall one occasion when someone has offered to pay for my meal. And that was my nephew as a sort of unspoken “thank you” for something.
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Between our friends, most often we just split the bill. If one wants to treat the other on occasion, they do. It is always appreciated, and we all reciprocate.
But we’re all pretty low-key, and have known each other for eons. I realize that is not the case for everyone 
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Oh wow, I do this on occasion, when I want to treat and don’t want there to be any drawn out discussion about it. I never mean to cause offense. But honestly most people seem very happy to have their meals paid for.
I guess the drawn out discussion part doesn’t happen in our case, so nobody has to do anything behind anyone else’s back. It’s a treat that is appreciated, and reciprocated, as I wrote in my most recent comment.
I can’t imagine being offended by a generous gesture, especially coming from a friend.
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Since you’ve known them for so long you must have been out to dinner several times and would know their habits. Do they have alligator arms, always offer to split or are they serial check grabbers?
I have all three types in my social circle and the strategy is different in each case. With good friends I am happy to pick up the tab and never feel taken advantage of. But I also wouldn’t be afraid to offer to split if I know them well. Good friends aren’t going to be offended.
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I’m in Penna.
I have a cousin who bounced around, eventually married an Aussie, lives “Down Under.”
her (older) husband died - she travels “liberally” and comes stays with us 1-2-3 weeks at a clip. she has dual American/Aussie citizenship; and really hasn’t decided on where she want to 'spend the rest of her days"
at her last visit she insisted on treating us to a nice meal out…
(I do some ‘advanced’ cooking at home . . so …)
went to nice place, been there before.
she ordered swordfish - came out mushy and . . . really not good.
the ‘owner’ insisted “fresh sword fish” is such the dish.
ueber over the top hogwash - she’s a long-time and qualified SCUBA instructor who has had more fish than . . .
when she declined any sort of ‘replacement’ the owner insisted on a round of complimentary lemoncella. her glass arrived with a chunk of broken glass, which the waitstaff explained as 'oh a glass did break bu they removed all the . . ." - or not.
she insisted on paying for that abomination - but I will bring up the issue on our return . . .
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Unless there’s some income/wealth disparity or some social debt, my default approach with close friends is to trade off. “Hey, this one’s on us.” Then just see what happens the next meal. “Oh, I remember when we were in X and you took us to Y, and I’ve always wanted to reciprocate at Z.”
I have a longtime Onion friend who is most gracious and cultured. We most often get together without spouses for breakfast or lunch. We play this game of each of us insisting that the other paid the last time, and that therefore it’s my turn. We always wind up having such a grand time, I don’t think either of us keeps track or cares.
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Restaurants are so used to splitting checks nowadays. It’s nothing to give a waiter two credit cards and split it down the middle. It’s ok to talk it out beforehand, but ad hoc is ok too. Among good friends, it shouldn’t matter.
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I think in this case, because they have chosen the restaurants and that you are traveling so far to visit them, they are assuming that they will pick up the dinner tabs. I think asking them which meals you can pay for would be awkward, even between good friends.
I think what would be better is to bring some fabulous host gifts. For example, if they drink wine, perhaps you can bring a few extraordinary bottles or bring a basket of awesome food/non-food items from the Bay Area.
Perhaps offer to pick up the tab for the last meal to cap off the visit? I bet it’ll all come out in the wash. Have a wonderful trip! (Does this mean you’re also driving back across the country?)
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Or host pays the food bill but guest picks up the wine and tips.
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Normally, I would suggest that since they’re your hosts and are making the reservations, they should expect to pay, but those are a lot of meals, and the dynamic of your friendship with them alters the rules of the game, IMO. OTOH, I think the most salient point is that you’re visiting your best friend and her husband, a couple you’ve known for over 30 years and with whom you were close (geographically) and presumably still are (sentimentally). Having confirmed this context, I would say, then, that in a similar position, Mrs. ricepad and I would not hear of our friends footing the bill for all these meals. With our best friends, we would have a discussion with them beforehand, suggesting that we take turns paying, go Dutch, or arm wrestle for the bill.
Unsaid is whether there will be other opportunities to treat each other, eg. theatre or show tickets, or sporting event, perhaps. Also, a lovely host/ess gift would probably be in order, too.
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What a sensible treatment of this subject. A mere Like does not suffice.
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