Hungry Onion Needs a Roz!

In the years before Chowhound augered into the ground, we had “Roz”. Whether she actually existed or not was never clear, but her social antics were simultaneously cringeworthy and mesmerizing.

This morning I found this: , which reminded me of Roz stories.

I think we need a resident Roz (maybe HOR?) here, don’t you?


We never had a Roz. We had a guy who told Roz stories, most of which I thought were at least partly invented.


The article seems like the sort of low-hanging fruit for a writer with a deadline, a holiday coming up, and zero fucks left to give this week.


I suppose it depends on your metaphysics. I believe there were enough Roz stories and spirited discussions of her misbehavior that we did have a Roz. Does QANON not have a Q? Didn’t Cinemax have Max Headroom?

I’d be happy with a storyteller HOR…


Well, Q posts (or used to). And Max Headroom spoke. Roz was a character in someone else’s anecdotes.

Sorta. The British tv movie “Max Headroom: 20 Minutes Into the Future” premiered on Channel 4 in the UK, followed by The Max Headroom Show, which was Max introducing clips and music videos.

The movie got sent to Cinemax in the U.S. The concept was picked up by ABC turned into Max Headroom, that reused/tweaked Max’s origin story from the movie and expanded the world. It lasted 2 seasons. It’s available free (with ads) on tubi if you wanna watch some serious 80’s throwback sci-fi. It holds up surprisingly well, and was unexpectedly prescient about a lot of issues around tech, advertising, media, etc.

“How am I gonna get to sleep? I know! I’ll count the bars on the window! One, two, three, sleep!” – The Art of Noise, “Paranoimia (Max Headroom Edition)”

(I mean, either me or @MaxEntropy was gonna say something, right?)


As a former DC restaurateur, I can spill on famous people and their restaurant foibles.

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What makes you think Q exists, or that posts attributed to him weren’t someone else’s stories? Max was just a character, too.

It doesn’t matter whether Q exists or not. Someone posted as Q. But no one posted as Roz. Only about Roz. I’m not sure how much clearer I can be about this.


Please do.

During my short employ in a US Senator’s office, I learned that he sent his driver every day to Church’s for chicken livers. One day, Sen X bit gnashed into a liver with a bit of wire in it. Next thing we knew, Church’s was ratis-catering all our office (with ringers) ball practices.

Whether shelved under fiction or non-, Roz would disagree…

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If she ever posted. Which she never did.

When the bush girls were of interest, we got a call from their security detail for a reservation. One of the girls was reported to be dating her security goon/driver. That night she was driving his stick shift all night long. How he did not make a mess i do not know.

Like a dummy, instead of calling the WaPost with clandestine photos, i just told them what they had when the post called. That is why i am a broke ex-restauranteur.

I turned down a reservation from Madonna when i worked in a packed hip restaurant in West Hollywood. My star struck, ex actor boss chewed me out. I was told to say yes to her request next time. Her publicist called back on a fully booked friday or saturday. Madonna’s demands… 9 tables for her party of 2 or 3 (We would have to leave 8 empty. Tables must be ready at 5 but she might not even show. So i said yes.

Netty, our night manager blanched when i showed her the book. We normally had a 1-2 hour wait on weekends IF you had a reservation. Now lising 1/3 of the tables, the wait would be 3 or 4 hours and all our regulars were coming in that night.

The assistant came at 5. 6, no madonna. 7 no madonna, 8pm, M shows up, dirty, smelly and loud. She tongue kissed her assistant elaborately at the table. Then she grabbed a handful of salad and shoved it in her mouth, and left.

It took weeks for netty to recover.

Oliver Stone won the oscar for JFK. He came to lunch. I gave him a fabous bottle, buffed out his table. He was rude and arrogant. I showed him the cork and he said “What the fuck do you expect me to do with that?” Since my boss told me to comp him, there was no tip. He ran us ragged and was an ass and we got shafted.

That night i worked the floor at our fancier place. Who brings a table of 8? Yep. Stone. More rudeness. I sold him a cellar treasure, a 66 BV Georges de la Tour I had scored at auction. He wanted my oldest bottle. As i was opening it, the cork was falling apart. I used a 2 prong, and two corkscrews and got the cork out intact. I showed him the cork so he could see it was fine. Again, “what the fuck are you doing?” Even john, my boss said “what an asshole!”

Again, he stiffed us on what would have been a $2000 or $3000 check. John proved himself a bigger asshole as he refused to kick in some for the tip pool.

Mel Brooks, Anne Bancroft, Alan Alda and his wife came in most Fridays. One night, Anne Bancroft came early and i got her started. Finally, i had to confess her effect on my sexuality from the graduate. She proceeded to unbutton her blouse 2 buttons and she flashed me numerous times. That night i got stiff, not stiffed. And Anne Bancroft was much funnier than Mel Brooks who was hilarious .

Last i will share here. Bill murray came in. We talked wine, opened 2 bottles he never heard of. When he was leaving, he waited to say goodnight. He had his hands behind his back. He said pick a hand. I did and he showed me the other hand with a $100 bill. He then showed me which hand he put it in and, of course i did not find it. 3 times. But i got a 15 minute comedy routine and personal slight if hand magic show. After tricking me 4 times, he said “thems the breaks, kid” and left. I was in tears of laughter and not getting the $100 was a small price to pay.

That night, as i undressed, my wallet looked funny. I opened it to see a $100 bill inside.


They have fried chicken livers? Why am I just hearing about this. I’ve never been to Church’s, but suddenly I have a reason to check them out.

This was in the late '70s…

Ah bummer!

Your Bill Murray story made my night!



Thanks for giving me a reason not to click!

I think the world online has changed since the era of the Roz stories.

People seem less patient and less tolerant when it comes to listening to online gripes than they were back when the Roz stories were fun.

These days, a poster will step in and police the hell out of a Roz-type story.