A reminder - this is a lexicon for Manchester in the UK. Other Manchesters are available.
Amuse bouche, n. Small pointless thing: a colourful exercise in chef vanity.
Authentic, adj. Reminiscent of a particular culture. Ultimately a paradox of purism. Used liberally by people trying to pretend they are from the host food culture.
Award-winning, adj. Blanket term for having received an accolade of any kind, big or small. Example: A member of waiting staff has their Tony The Tiger 50m badge, thus the restaurant is âaward-winningâ.
Atmosphere, n. Noise. Chattering human voices crushed by the bass beat of song in which no words or melody is discernable.
Bottomless brunch, n. Eating and drinking competition whereby customers attempt to justify a set price by consuming as much alcohol as possible whilst nibbling on small rations of food. Popularised by âhunâ culture.
Brunch, v. To queue for eggs on toast having woken up late. Not to be confused with âbreakfastâ.
Bread, n. See: sourdough.
Burger, n. Formerly a Jenga-like meat structure decorated with carbohydrates, doused in molten cheese or sauce and dipped with adjectives such as âhardcoreâ, âjuicyâ, âdirtyâ. Now a simple meat and cheese sandwich which is largely out of fashion this side of Texas.
Crowdfund, v. The only way to set up something new in hospitality if you donât have family wealth. Warning: can be addictive.
Criticism, n. Fair if applying to other restaurants, totally without foundation if applying to oneâs own restaurant.
Cultural appropriation, adj. The whole history of food which is all the better for it.
Dietary requirements, n. Checked before meal so nobody dies. Scourge of kitchen and waiting staff alike but essential for remaining alive after eating out.
Eatery, (n). Inventive term for restaurant. Drinks equivalent would be âdrinkeryâ.
Egg plant, (n) . A criminal activity. An occasion during which Manchesterâs criminal gangs place eggs in the bags for life of other criminal gangs and then shop them to the police.
Experience, n. Dinner but with additional feature sellotaped to it. Example: a DJ, a man playing the saxophone, some sparklers, a drag queen.
Fish and chips, n. Traditional British food best eaten from a take-away which fortunately could never be called a âsmall plateâ.
Foodhall, n. Place to go with multiple people who are unable to decide on a similar cuisine. Akin to being together but sleeping in separate bedrooms. Often pursued by town halls as a regeneration saviour.
Food poisoning, n. An excuse. For a day off. With mates. In another town eating and drinking. Most effective with âforeignâ food and casually racist overtone, e.g. âI canât come in. Food poisoning. Had a bad curry last night. See you tomorrow.â
Fusion, n. Uncertainty. Usually refers to Frankensteinian mix of cuisines. Handy red flag. Example: âWhat style of food should we cook? British, Spanish, Chinese, Thai⊠Oh, I know Fusion.â
Gorgonzola, n. A French novelist or Italian football player carrying the head of a vicious female monster from Greek mythology with sharp fangs and the hair of living, venomous snakes. The head can also turn you to stone.
Halloumi, n. A cheese to be fried and placed on the menus of chefs who canât cook vegetarian food very well and canât be arsed anyway.
Hospitality crisis, n. Any ongoing reality.
Huns, n. Female demographic with inflated lips that enjoy their cocktails served in a glass shoe and gold leaf sushi on the menu. Often sighted in front of flower walls and amongst pornstar martini trees.
Interior design, n. Industrial concrete and Scandinavian minimalism. Aka, cheap.
Independent, n . Independent, maybe independent, not really independent at all, or totally meaningless but good for marketing. Part of copy and paste new restaurant checklist.
Jay Rayner, n. A rare creature. A national newspaper restaurant critic based in the south who visits the north.
Kale, n. Tough and chewy. Apparently âkale is loaded with powerful antioxidants, Vitamin A, K, B6, C, potassium and manganeseâ. Best give it to the sheep and the cows then.
Local produce, n. Food that hasnât seen the interior of a plane or boat and which might come from down the road, but letâs not be pedantic, might come from 150 miles away.
Locally sourced, n. Locally sourced**,** maybe locally sourced, not really locally sourced or totally meaningless but good for marketing. Part of copy and paste new restaurant checklist.
Mange tout n. Have you got a skin disease as well?
Masterchef, n. One of multiple TV cookery competitions. Not to be confused with working your way through the industry. Can go to your head.
Microherbs, n. Herbs for ants.
Michelin Guide, n. Celebrated restaurant guide originally invented to sell tyres. Mascot is the hench, estranged European sibling of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man made famous by Ghostbusters (1984). Bit tight when it comes to giving out stars in Manchester.
Mouthfeel, n. Bad food writer. Any critic who uses the phrasal noun âmouthfeelâ should be made to work as a KP for twelve months and be told to wash their mouths out.
Mushroom, n. No, idea about this one, but hey man, look at Beetham Tower itâs all different colours and now itâs waving at me.
Music, n . Noise. In many restaurants managers and owners seem to believe music volume in the evening should interfere with your meal and deny all conversation.
Noma, (1) n. Celebrated restaurant in Copenhagen. Handy for putting on your CV, even if youâve never worked there.
Noma, (2) n. A restaurant in Copenhagen, a redevelopment area in Manchester.
Oatmilk, n. An effective way to ruin coffee with a liquid that in no way resembles milk.
Organic, n. Organic, maybe organic, a bit organic, marketing.
Petit pois, n. really trivial peas.
Plant-based (1) n. A lovely picnic in a grassy meadow under a shady oak tree.
Plant-based (2) n. An excuse. A phrasal noun substitute for vegetarianism because apparently the word vegetarian threatens people.
Pop-up, n. Fleeting food vendor appearance. Some may go on to restaurant fame.
Quinoa n. Any unpronounceable word the purpose of which is hard to define.
Rocket n. A green mountain of bitter despair. Rocket amounts to a chefâs method of making an anaemic dish gain more colour by heaping an unfeasible mound of bitter brassica on, say, sea bass.
Small plates, n. Something of which there is too much while not providing enough. Small plates are often seen as a substitute for a good square meal when it isnât.
Seabass, n. Fish. There are seemingly endless seabass stocks in the world which is why its poor shrivelled, often scorched, form appears on every low-grade menu in the UK.
Seafood, n. An almost absence. The UK is surrounded by the sea, itâs an island you see, yet strangely there is not a single seafood specialist restaurant in Manchester which is 35 miles from the sea.
Seasonal produce, n. Seasonal, maybe seasonal, not really seasonal or totally meaningless but good for marketing. Part of copy and paste new restaurant checklist.
Seitan, n. The only thing that when eaten blindfolded doesnât taste like chicken.
Seitan, n. An invocation. If said out loud three times summons the devil.
Sourdough, (1) adj. Ubiquitous or boring. A foodstuff which like God is everywhere.
Sourdough, (2) n. Gum-bleeding razor crust food.
Streetfood, (1) n. Food never to be sold on an actual street but in a food hall. With chips. Otherwise thereâs no profit.
Streetfood, (2) v. A verb to describe bored middle-class professionals who think they can easily prepare, cook and make money with, say, Lebanese/Levantine cuisine in a food hall after a two-day cookery school. Inevitably and very quickly they find themselves out of pocket. E.g. Jeremy streetfooded his savings away on baba ghanouj and now cooks beans on toast alone in his bedsit.
Sustainable, n. Sustainable, maybe sustainable, not really sustainable, totally meaningless but good for marketing. Part of copy and paste new restaurant checklist.
Sushi, n. A Japanese style of food which most sushi restaurants in the UK have no idea how to prepare and serve.
Tapas, n. A culprit. First there were genuine Spanish tapas, then tapas morphed into âItalian tapasâ and even âBritish tapasâ and now everybody is doing âsmall platesâ.
Truffle oil, n. Foul smelling, something which has the quality of a sewage works.
Tipping, v. The practice of giving additional money to waiting staff, separate to the price of the meal, for putting up with your and everyone elseâs bullshit on a daily basis.
âTo die forâ, phrase. Bad food critic referring to sugary desserts and a person hidebound by clichĂ©s. Editors need to sack them. Quickly.
To go, adj, v. Take-away. In the UK we say âtake-awayâ unless one is planning a holiday in the west African republic of Togo in which case itâs entirely reasonable.
TripAdvisor, n. The method by which a family-run restaurant can boost its international profile.
TripAdvisor, v. A method by which mean-minded people can say cruel things concerning trivial faults. Example: âEverything was perfect about the meal but I found a great opportunity to tripadvisor the restaurant when I found they had forgotten to tell me I was a busybody with no talent who likes to slag places off for tiny faults and then tell my friends how witty and clever I am.â
Utensil, whole sentence: An enquiry to a person who is still very anxious.
Vegan bacon, n. A lie or a hotchpotch, as with any meat substitute. Some gloop pretending to be meat is weird. There are no carnivore parsnips for sale: pretend parsnips made from reconstituted tripe. Thereâs a reason why meat doesnât pretend to be a vegetable.
Veganuary, n. Commercially invented month-tag so brands and retailers who also sell meat have another marketing opportunity.
Vegetarian, n. A person who has been re-identified as plant-based, see above.
Vowel, n. An occasionally useless letter. Very fashionable to leave out of a restaurant or bar name to denote perceived exclusivity and some crap about social media use. For example in Mnchstr: MNKY HSE, BLVD, EXHBTN.
Wagyu beef, cn. Huge personal wealth. Sting once said âa cocaine habit is Godâs way of telling you youâve got too much moneyâ. As cocaine is so rife the sentence now applies to Wagyu beef.
Xacuti, n. A curry dish from Goa, India, which is in this lexicon because it begins with the letter X.
Yuzu, n. A fine Japanese restaurant in Chinatown, Manchester, included in this lexicon because it begins with the letter Y.
Zucchini, n. A courgette, which is in this lexicon because it begins with the letter Z.