How this thread managed to escape my notice until now is beyond me, but I have some thoughts.
Invited: I was raised to bring a host/ess gift, no matter what the occasion. (Within reason, of course.)
…to a dinner party (bring nothing): Interpreted to mean "don’t bring any food or drink to contribute to the meal, because that’s all covered.
So reading between the lines, I would bring a gift for my host/ess. Could be a bottle of wine - with the explicit request that the host/ess stash it away for their consumption at a later time - but only if I know they are wine drinkers. Could be flowers, but only if I also provide a vase and am willing to arrange the flowers in the vase appropriately, and also if I know what the host/ess’s allergy and flower preference situations are. Could be a box of chocolates, with the same request as the wine. Could be a jar of something I’ve recently put up (jam, pickles, salsa - whatever I know the host/ess likes). And one time I brought a party game when I knew the other invited guests would enjoy it and I’d cleared it with the host that it would be appreciated (Cards Against Humanity, if you must know).
My mom taught me that host/ess gifts are a thing. They’re a token to show your appreciation for being invited. Mom was born in China but grew up in the US, and I have no idea where she learned the etiquette of host/ess gifts. It’s also my understanding, however, that host/ess gifts are part of the social contract in Japan, too, to the point where the Japanese give themselves fits in a war of politeness. My paternal grandmother was kind of passive aggressive when it came to gift giving. She was a very competitive woman!
In Austria I was taught it’s polite to bring fresh-cut flowers when invited to someone’s home for tea, dinner, whatever. They are covered with florist paper, which you whisk off the moment they open the door to present them with their bouquet. These were mostly older people teaching this tradition, so I wonder if it’s maybe a bit outdated.
We only go to dinner parties where we know the hosts well, so we always tote along nice bottles of wine that we enjoy together.
I also love bringing flaky salt in festive packaging purchased at the grocery store (not souvenir shops with their silly markups) from countries we have visited. It’s an inexpensive gift that is appreciated by the cooks in the host family.
I bought a particularly flaky one in the Azores that was like < $5 that made for a fun finishing salt. Kept one for myself, and gifted the other. I’m not home and I can’t find a photo online but it was just a simple grocery store purchase. And the recipient was delighted.
Dinner party suggests a somewhat fancy event, unlike a pot luck or backyard bbq. Lately, I’ve brought breakfast treats. Homemade ( or from a very good bakery) muffins, coffee cake and so on. High end coffee beans or tea. A bottle of good Prosecco and a bottle of fresh oj. Clear message is the gift isn’t intended to be shared with other guests, doesn’t ruin the flow of dinner prep, and may be enjoyed the next day or frozen. Only the oj needs refrigeration.
A hostess or host gift doesn’t have to be edible. Books, note cards, coasters, candles. Those are fine for re-gifting, too.
It turns out the hostess served us Cesari Amarone at dinner, and Amarone is also one of her favourite wines. We are both Tauruses. Maybe that’s why we are both Amarone fans, and a little stubborn.
BarneyGrubble
(Aficionado of Beethoven, and Latina singers)
214
I took a bottle of Champagne as a gift to a silver wedding anniversary. When the couple opened it, someone in the group (of above 20) suggested opening it and sharing it; the thought of everyone each getting a thimbleful of unchilled expensive Champagne horrified me. The lady who received the bottle (a much-loved in-law) turned to me sweetly and asked (she knows me well), “Is this meant to be shared by all of us?”, to which I replied, “No, it’s for you and Georges to drink alone.” Matter settled.
Regifting potential is a happy gift in itself. If a gift is a swing and a miss, then the hosts have something nice to take to the social engagement where they are guests (provided it’s not in the same social circle, of course).
I have sometimes been open with friends in the same group, about regifting, especially if the gift will be a good fit for someone in the group.
I also learned something as a hostess at one point. When receiving a lot of wine at a part from a lot of people, write a note on the bottle that mentions who gave each bottle (in pencil) or keep a list elsewhere. Esp, if you’re going to regift the wine, so you don’t give it back to the people who gave it to you.
Once, a friend brought me Alize liqueur as a hostess gift. I assumed she liked it, since she had given me a bottle.
I went out and bought her a bottle as a hostess gift.
She laughed when she took it out of the wine bag, and told me she had regifted that first bottle to me. It was something she and her husband probably didn’t want. Lol
Me, too. But don’t we all know someone in our lives who would feel less valued about a regift, so I do tread thoughtfully. Sounds like we are on the same page.
Regifting: A friend regifted me a nice set of dinner plates from the Museum of Modern Art in New York. She told me they had been a gift from X and Y. A while later, X and Y were over for dinner at my house. “Nice plates!” they said.
(I’m pretty sure X and Y knew that our mutual friend had given them to me).
It was something she and her husband probably didn’t want. Lol
