I think we are probably approaching it from a couple different places. The places I’ve lived have had a heavy potluck culture, so there have been very few times when I’ve had people over and prepared all the food. But I’ve eaten with my friends often enough to know who is mildly challenging and mostly appreciative to cook for, and who is very challenging and not appreciative at all (as it pertains to the food). In the latter category, I still have a lot of people I like. But then we will socialize with them in other ways, and not over a big fancy dinner that I’ve prepared. Lots of options here, from camping to game days and movie nights, hiking, book clubs, etc.
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Really impressed with many of you who are so meticulous about planning out the details. My holiday celebrations usually top out at about 8-10, so it really can’t compare to some peeps who entertain and host big dinner parties a lot. The funny thing is that I am a big planner in just about other things that require coordination (errand runs on busy days, vacation planning, food shopping, etc) but cooking is the one thing I really like to chill and wing it if need be. It’s perhaps why I generally find cooking to be so enjoyable and relaxing when I get time to really cook.
I only will cook foods I have cooked before – no winging it with new recipes for holidays, unless it’s something really simple and it’s just an extra side. Like many who’ve responded already, I don’t schedule myself but the experience really helps me to know when to start things early or what can wait. Over the years, I know what I can get a leg up and start the day before (like turkey stock for gravy!). It’s made Thanksgiving cooking really loose and relaxing for me now. I actually get more worked up when people try to help, because it actually disrupts my flow.
Compound butter gets made 1-2 days in advance; turkey stock with the neck and bones and parts I already have starts the night before. Bird is usually spatch-cocked and dry brined 3 days before hand; skin dried starting 24 hrs beforehand. The day of cooking is just getting the bird prepped for roasting with the compound butter, lemons/oranges, sliced or whole vegetables for the roasting tray. The dessert is old fashioned New England Indian pudding every year and gets into the slow cooker about 3 hrs before dinner time. 
Sides like mash, biscuits, sweet potatoes, stuffing, corn get going about gets done about 2-2.5 hours before eating time. I even decided to do fresh cranberry sauce last year, and no one really felt it was tons better than the canned, so it will be back to canned this year. 
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I am so beyond trying to make everyone happy. I’m satisfied if there is at least one or two items in the meal that each person finds appealing. Sometimes those two items are the bread and butter.
As a parent of young ones (mine are now 30 something adventurous eaters), I would sometimes bring food along if I thought the kids’ needs could not be met. And I would usually feed them a substantial snack before attending a late dinner.
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How frustrating to see the waste. Too bad the adults supervising those kids (i.e., parents/guardians) don’t exert more input into what ended up on the plates (i.e., smaller portions). Also, I think that a dinner party is not the time to force my child to try a large portion of something new.
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THIS. 
Food is my love language.
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Believe it or not, sometimes it’s been casual, a bbq, a pizza party, and they’ll take 2 bites of the whole [x] and then leave, never to return. Meanwhile, at the end of the night, I’m throwing it all away. And regarding something new, there is always some easy-going nonexciting stuff that the kids will recognize. I don’t try to push their boundaries…
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In addition to some great make ahead stock for gravy made with roasted bones and aromatics I like to have some Beurre Manié.
Or Wondra
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From a situation in our own orbit I learned that some kids have issues around food that actually aren’t about food, but about something else. 
Honestly I had not seen that before.
Like the young one who won’t touch any food or drink outside of their home, even the exact type of packaged convenience food they prefer, unless at they are at one specific chain restaurant. Complex reasons for the food refusal that I won’t share here. Of course the actual parent of the child didn’t give us a heads up. Thankfully I was warned by another kind adult so everyone could take it in stride when that happened. We did have the preferred packaged foods freely on offer just in case.
“Allergy moms” are the best in my limited experience because they alert the host in advance and pack food they know their child(ren) can enjoy safely.
I do wish all parents would communicate food and food allergy issues to hosts ahead of time. Isn’t that kinder and better for everybody that way, especially the kids?
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About kids invitees. Usually, some parents will inform the host and ask them to make some steak haché (minced beef steak) and some potatoes. But many parents know their kids are fuzzy, the kid will be left to serve what is prepared and omit the things they do not want.
One time, I was starting to put some eggplants on the plates at the dinner table. Very few guests were seated, but a kid was. When I put the barbecue grilled eggplants on his plate, he finished everything instantly. 2 minutes later, his mother, not knowing what had happened, saw the eggplant and came to inform me not to bother to serve her kid with eggplant, he hated that. I blinked my eyes and said, well, he ate his portion already. A small victory for me!
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This kiddo probably detests the way in which his mother prepares Aubergine / Eggplant !
Ha Ha !!
Good news for you !!! I can imagine the mother´s expression !!!
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In my family growing up, we served family style. But the rule was “Take all you want. But eat all you take.” So we learned very quickly as kids to take smaller portions to start and go back for more should we want to do so.
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It could be undisclosed allergies, but I don’t think it is. I AM an allergy mom. My older kid is anaphylactic for peanuts and many tree nuts. Everyone in my circle knows bc I have told them for years. So I would be very surprised if their kids had allergy issues and they didn’t tell me. I actually think it’s just not something they think about. Oh, my kid is a picky eater. Oh my kid doesn’t eat much. And then they are busy socializing, they don’t say anything when their kid leaves 80% of their food behind. I do agree with you that it is imperative for anyone who does have food issues to say something to the host in advance. How else can they prepare otherwise? I should clarify too that none are young kids. We’re talking - over the years - like 8 and above.
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About nut allergy, I don’t know enough. Can your kid consume nut oil? Hazelnut oil, almond oil… for example.
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No, he cannot. The allergy is to the protein, and unless it is hyper hyper filtered then the oil will still contain remnants of the protein.
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Wow, this includes many pastries and cakes, also asian cooking can include the use of peanut oil to cook. Tough mom.
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Believe it or not, the easy part was when he was under our roof, and we could - and did - ask all the questions. It’s hard now because he is in college and I have to trust that he will take care of himself in the same way, and know how to handle an exposure. I can tell you what was most disheartening in the early years was the attitude of some people (not friends) but people on forums etc. that it was our problem, and that they had no interest in changing anything about how they led their lives so that mine could fully enjoy his. People were often telling me to just feed him at home if I’m so worried. Just keep him off planes if I’m so worried. Just home-school him if I’m so worried. I think having gone through that experience actually changed my moral and political outlook, such that I am much more able to step into other people’s shoes now, and spend a bit less time worrying about myself and the problems in my life. But I digress…
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I tried that last year (or the year before?) and totally failed at thickening my gravy. The beurre manie looked right, but despite putting like half the ball in, there was no sign of any thickening at all. I had to switch to a cornstarch slurry after 20 minutes of waiting and stirring.
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It takes 2tbsp (30ml) flour / 1 cup (250ml) of liquid to make a medium thick sauce/gravy. That would work out to 1/4 cup (60 ml) of beurre manié for every cup of gravy. Seems like a lot, but that’s the ratio. (I usually use arrowroot or cornstarch anyways, because of wheat allergy)
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