Possible the oldest restaurant joke:
Yech. The food in this place is terrible.
I know! And such small portions!
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Where does a one-legged waitress work?
At an ihop.
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What do you call a dog with three legs?
Tippy.
What would you have if you had two green balls in your hands?
You’d have the Jolly Green Giant madder than hell!
Kermit’s undivided attention.
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It seems that candy manufacturers are adopting gender equity policies. Hersheys’s is now Themtheys.
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I ordered deep fried crab balls. I was wrong. They were made from crab meat.
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2 legs is lean beef, no legs is ground beef.
And her name badge proclaims the name
- Ailene.
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And Miss Piggy’s.
Which condiment has the strongest kick?
Horseradish.
You do you truly enjoy a hot dog?
With relish.
What did the mayonnaise say to the person who opened the fridge door?
Shut that door, I’m dressing!
Why didn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
It was on a roll.
What did the baby corn ask its mom?
Where’s my pop corn.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
What’d the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing, just a little wine came out.
What’s the most popular candy on the playground?
Recess pieces.
Why did the diner on the moon get bad reviews?
No atmosphere.
Why do the French like snails?
They hate fast food.
Why should you never tell secrets on a farm?
Potatoes have eyes and corn have ears.
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How does the Mayo Clinic fix a broken Mayo? They put a dressing on it.
What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding? One drunk.
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Credit “Nutraxfornerves” on the old ThornTree Get Stuffed board, October 2008:
Almond pronunciation
There are two camps here in California. There are the folks who pronounce ‘almonds’ with a distinct ‘L’ sound, and the other group that pronounces it as “aahmands”.
Actually, there are three camps–all-mond, ah-mond, and aah-mond (with the flat"A"of"cat.") The flat A pronunciation is mainly used by almond growers & people in rural areas where the almonds are grown.
Almonds are harvested by mechanically shaking the tree and then sweeping up the nuts off the ground. Growers will tell you that they are “all-monds” on the tree, but then you shake the 'ell out of them at harvest.
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Man, that was a long way to go for that line.
I’m totally stealing this.
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I had a scoutmaster who loved to pull that joke out about once a year or so. Mr. Nichley sure loved his Shaggy Dogs (RIP John!).
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You say you want one-liners, here’re ten:
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