How to find food friends?

Not About Food
21

I feel for you, having been through a similar exercise a few times over (except not “food friends” – just friends, as life changes took my closest friends far away every 5-6 years or so, ugh).

I’m not a FB person (especially in the last decade or so) so social groups based there were not of help to me, though it still remains the easiest and most vast social sea into which to cast a net.

Meetup varies significantly in quality somewhere like NYC, but in a smaller place it could be a useful resource – check out what exists food-wise, and if nothing appeals, set up a something of your own and see how it goes (it will probably take a few events, not one and done).

You said you’re halfway between Vancouver and Seattle: if they are close enough to drive for a meal once a month or so, they might be better sources for FB/Meetup groups or cooking lessons or food tours.

Do I recall correctly that you are in a university town? Is a way to draw on that? Are there food-related classes at the university? Are there events that are public, or could you post something you organize where staff / faculty would see it?

Seems you don’t think your existing friend groups would go along with you picking a restaurant to try once a month, or similar food expedition. Or is it that you want a food-focused meal, and the people are less of a factor? Could you access the broader groups your friends come from (kids’ classmates’ parents and so on) – ie people you don’t hang out with normally – for the food focus? For eg if you organized a food expedition that was open to all <eg: middle school> parents, you might end up with a different group who are interested in food, vs your existing friends. If you organized a themed potluck for <eg: work / activity> people, that might yield a different group of interested folks than those you currently hang out with.

The reality of this is that if something doesn’t already exist that you can draw on, you are probably looking at putting it together yourself (and possibly hosting, at least in the early days). That’s a good amount of commitment, and real work to organize and execute. It will be time well-spent at the end of the day, but better to go in knowing that so you don’t get frustrated down the road by the effort you are putting in. I wish you the best, and hope you find many like-minded folks to have delicious meals with!

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22

Good food for thought here. I’m a little disenchanted with my circle lately. For whatever reason, it has become very de rigeur for all of them recently to be “so busy” that they’re impossible to pin down for any type of gathering.

I took @linguafood’s suggestion and started up a fb page. It is of course not even a day, but so far the folks that have joined up haven’t actually said anything or posted any content. I did a similar thing for an ERG at work a couple of months ago, and the same pattern. Most people who join online groups appear to lurk and not contribute. But there are ideas above and I will try to pursue them. Namely I think some cooking classes and things are available to me close, and easy. I haven’t signed up for them in the past under a perhaps wrong assumption that they will be too basic for me. But if it’s a way to meet similarly minded people, then it seems worth doing. In the meantime, I really treasure this community and wish more of us were a bit more proximate.

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23

I do get it, truly.

I liked meetup enough when I tried it a couple of times — back then it was in search of a book club, because all my book club friends (who were my actual friends, as book club grew out of existing friendships) had either moved away, had no bandwidth, or no interest / time to read. But there were a lot of dud meetups too.

The challenge with all these public sourcings is (1) as you said, lurking / being there but not engaging, (2) people aren’t looking for friends / more people in their lives — they’re coming to an event as an episodic thing, not the beginning of a series / relationship of sorts, (3) lack of commitment which can make organizing / planning really challenging for the person taking it on, ie you. I’m sure I’m forgetting other stuff.

I think setting one’s own expectations may be the most challenging thing for something like this. For eg, you see that a group of us have been meeting up in NYC. We don’t always go to new or exciting places. In fact, we’ve been to some very old places and multiple times. Is it the best / most exciting food we could be eating? Probably not. But we enjoy breaking bread together, as you say (though more often noodles), and having people to talk food — and not food — with who are outside our usual circles. We enjoy it enough that we do it again, even if the food wasn’t the best, or we didn’t agree on how good or bad it was, and so on. We probably compromise on choice of place sometimes to accommodate people’s availability and access.

I think it always boils down to expectations and priorities when you have a disparate group that’s coming together over something esoteric.

(I also still think the university town setting might have something much more conducive to what you’re trying to achieve — lots of people and spouses who might be up for something different / interesting.)

A hearty yes to this.

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24

Yes, you’ll have to get accustomed to many a silent majority in most groups from my experience.

Give it some time. If you build it, they will come. They did to my groups (both my home chef edition and the restaurant meetup groups have 700+ members) :slight_smile:

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25

My husband was a professor there for 15 yrs, before switching careers 18 months ago. So lots of our acquaintances or friends are part of that group.

You two are both telling me things that he’s told me a bunch. That I need to reset my expectations. It’s true - I expect too much of too many people, and it’s easy to be disappointed. If I can train myself to be more low key, I’ll probably be more content all the way around :slight_smile: Thanks for listening!

26

I’m in the same boat. It’s a long, slow, difficult process. Take the good, ignore the bad, don’t notice the mediocre. That goes for randos and friends alike.

The key to a happy life is low-no expectations. In theory :wink:

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27

Easier said than done, eh?

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28

No shit! As I said, it’s a process. Maybe if we pretend REAL hard not to give AF we’ll believe it in the end? Here’s hoping.

Hope dies last bahahahahaha.

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29

Same. Same.
Not just for others, for myself. Maybe one day I’ll take my own advice (and dial back a lifetime of conditioning) :joy:

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30

I feel the same. Just turned 50 and spent a very long time rising to the high high expectations of my immigrant parents. And now I’m supposed to dial it back? LOL.

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31

Sounds like a guru’s advice. I might/should take it.

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32

That’s for one’s own peace of mind. Another good motto is “don’t be an asshole.”

I’m pretty open and inclusive when it comes to welcoming people into my circle of friends, but you won’t find a single asshole among them. Life’s too short for that nonsense. Same goes for narcissists or drama queens. I just can’t.

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33

Perhaps posting your favorite foods; favorite restaurants - asking questions of others as to what their favorites are - might start the public engagement.

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34

They def need prompts. It might really involve some nudging, and doing a lot of posting yourself at first. But it may well be worth the effort. I certainly hope so for you (and by you I mean @Sasha of course, not you :slight_smile: )

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35

I did some prompts. One asking for a little food related bio. One about what they had for dinner yesterday. One about their food plans for this coming weekend. I’ve responded to all 3. One person responded to 1 prompt. 7 members since I started it. I just have to give it time. It’ll either work or it won’t. How’s that for reduced expectations :wink:

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36

That sounds like a good start . . .it’s only been a day. :hand_with_index_finger_and_thumb_crossed:

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37

Btw I saw your block quote and thought for a hot second that you @LindaWhit had also started a food fb page! lol

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38

I think this post just goes to show how hard it is to make friends generally, not just of the food variety kind.

As we get older, finding people who can be our friends becomes increasingly harder.

Whether it’s a combination of lack of time, smaller social circle, more reservations about meeting strangers, etc., it’s just a fact of life it appears. Unfortunately.

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39

I have NEVER seen the utility of these things. Way way back in the 80’s my friends and I used to try and hit up Taste of Chicago, one of the earliest food fests that I can remember knowing about. We gave up after 2 years. Standing around in huge crowds in (usually) the dead of summer with nothing but hour long lines for overpriced, underwhelming portions. And the gouging on water.

There are a number of these things that have been put on up here in recent years. A ‘taco and margarita’ fest, a ‘grilled cheese’ fest, etc. In every instance, the local subreddit was filled with nothing but complaints and oaths to ‘never again fall for one of these fiascos’.

Am I just really unlucky? Do people actually find these things fun/useful for discovering new dishes? Maybe I’m going about things poorly. If you’ve been to some that you enjoy, what’s your secret?

40

I agree. I wanted to be respectful of everyone’s suggestions since I did ask for them. But in my experience, the food festivals range from bad to mediocre, and it’s very hard unless you are particularly extroverted to make a connection there with a new person. My only exception to this observation (on the quality) is the Tomato Festival in Carmel if they are still running it. We went 22 yrs ago (I was pregnant with #1 and had a pregnancy driven tomato aversion - ironic!). That was a high quality fest, but also was $75pp to enter. Once you did, they had 30 booths that were run by local chefs doing small dishes featuring tomatoes. A massive 300 variety tomato tasting table. A variety of olive oil tastings, and alcohol for purchase. So generally a very nice, classy and well thought out event.

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